This is the life, hold on tight.

That time of year...again...

2009-09-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

Well, in less than 48 hours, my little boy will be going to school for his first day of first grade. FIRST GRADE! Wow! Everytime I even think about that, my jaw just drops. I cannot believe it!!

New Dog!

2009-08-08T21:16:00.001-07:00

Georgia has been here for over 30 hours now and all is well! She has done amazing! I am so proud of her!! She's just so fun to be around and so fun to watch! She is extremely low key, she is happy playing frisbee in the yard and also perfectly content laying on the couch with you. It's nice to have her around! Jayden is enjoying her and I love watching them together! They are currently sleeping on the couch together :) I keep glancing over and it even gets me teary! They love eachother so much already! I can't wait to watch their bond grow!

Georgia

2009-08-06T09:04:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, we will be welcoming an American Bulldog into our family! "Georgia" is alittle under a year old and weighs 55lbs! She's absolutely gorgeous! Jayden and I spent a lot of time playing with her yesterday! We can't wait!

Tonight, we will be dog proofing :)

No.7

2009-07-31T06:54:00.000-07:00

I am officially in love.

I can honestly say that I have finally found my all-time favorite makeup.

Generally, I only wear eyeliner, sometimes some eyeshadow and occasionally some bronzer. But almost always eyeliner.

I really wanted to find some nice foundation to wear from time to time and see if it made any difference in my overall appearance.

No.7 is the makeup to get.

Target sells it. It's alittle more expensive than say, Revlon or Almay. But I truly believe that it's worth it!

I got the liquid foundation in "Almond" for $14.99.

And then I got the mineral powder foundation in "Almond" for $13.99.

Crunchy?

2009-07-25T14:10:00.000-07:00

Crunchy Momma?

OK, so maybe I'm not what you'd consider "crunchy." I am "crunchier" than a lot of mom's I know, but I am not overly obsessive on the topic.

Over the past few days though, I have started to venture out more into the world of organic shopping thanks to my friend, Jenny, who is the ultimate in crunch.

Today, I made my first purchase of organic milk, I bought two half-gallons because I had coupons and I figured that if we liked them, another half gallon wouldn't hurt. I couldn't find full gallons anywhere! I went to four different stores, too! What the heck!?

I finally made a trip to a local store called Peter's Cornucopia. It was incredible. I just felt happy in there. The people were nice, it was a nice atmosphere.

Jenny told me all about this...

And today, I started giving it to Jayden again.

$19.99 and you give 1/2 a teaspoon daily from the age of two on up through the teen years.

I also purchased some shampoo and conditioner. I love how it smells and surprisingly (to me, anyways), my hair feels nice too. I bought Nature's Gate, Madarin Orange and Patchouli. It smells wonderful!

Jenny gave me tons of organic goodies for Jayden to have and snack on so that I didn't go and buy them and end up wasting the money incase Jayden didn't care for them. Let's face it, it is expensive to be healthy. Luckily, Jayden LOVED the snacks! I can't wait to get paid next week and make a grocery list out of things to pick up, and make out a list of things I can buy at Peter's Cornucopia!

Hopefully, Jenny and I can make some crunchy momma trips to the store together!

So there you have it.

Internal Turmoil.

2009-07-21T06:56:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling lately with a lot of different things and it is just totally wearing me down.

So if I don't post all that often, that is why.

I will post an update one of these days.

I wish I was a baby...

2009-07-09T10:32:00.000-07:00

Babies have it so good!

Eat...sleep...play...eat...sleep...play...all day...everyday.

However, if I was a baby, I would not have received my Verizon Wireless Rebate in the mail today AND a check for $125. Babies don't get cell phones and checks. haha!

urghhh (dot, dot, dot)

2009-07-08T06:47:00.000-07:00

I am ex-hau-sted.

I don't know why, but I am.

I feel like I can never catch up on my sleep, housework, and tending to others.

We had quite the scare on Monday with my Grandpa.

He thought he was having a heartattack, which the message, through people playing "telephone," got to me as he "Grandpa had a heartattack this morning."

It didn't come through as "we THINK Grandpa may have had a heartattack." No, it came through that he did. I immediately went to my friends to pray, and did a prayer request on Facebook and MySpace--which my little cousin told me I shouldn't do because it scared her. Seriously...ugh...I'm not even getting into that and how my right to free speech is slowly going away due to certain family members and their opinions.

But, as always, the doctors have to run tests to determine if it was infact, a heartattack. They ran the tests and Grandma called to let us know that the test showed no signs of a heartattack. So that's good! We aren't exactly sure what's happening, but since Grandpa is extremely confused, and even hallucinating, it could be possible that he was just convinced he was having one, or thought he was, or maybe even had an anxiety attack and thought that it was a heartattack. I am just so thankful that he's ok.

Thank you to EVERYONE who kept him in your prayers, and please continue to do so. I won't be updating Myspace or Facebook unless something major happens, once again, totally not practicing my free speech (LOL!), but I will update here.

They were able to get my grandpa out of the hospital and into a different care facility, I really hope that this helps him. He desperately hates being in the hospital, and I was wondering if that hospital setting is why he seems so forgetful. My grandpa is a very quick, smart man...he needs to be able to use his brain, and in the hospital, theres nothing for him to do but sit there within the 4 walls. It's easy to get confused about what day it is, what's going on, where you are, etc...

I spent 6 days in labor with Jayden, after he was born, I was afraid to stand up because I thought that I had forgotten how to walk. When you're in there for so long (and as I said, I was only there for 6 days...Grandpa has been in for over a month now!), it's easy to see how that could happen.

Alyvia is coming here shortly, it's her first day back since her daddy went to Heaven. I've missed watching her and I'm looking forward to having her back here! My niece, Erika (age 10) is here, and she's sleeping right now. She was so tired when she got here, she laid on the living room floor and started to fall asleep and then when Jayden wanted to play a quick Wii game, she asked if she could go in and sleep in the bedroom downstairs.

Tomorrow, I have Erika and Alyvia here, as well as Jayden, obviously. Then on Friday, I will most likely have Alyvia, I'll have Jayden here, and I'll also have Erika and my other niece, Shayla (also 10--she is Erika's step sister).

I'll have a full house!

I need some Midol.

wow!

2009-07-01T18:44:00.001-07:00

What a week or so it's been! It hasn't been a very good one, either, unfortunately. Let me begin the update...

Wednesday, June 24 was Jayden's last day of school. He brought home his report card and he did EXCELLENT! I am so proud of my little man! Officially a first grader!

Thursday and Friday, I watched both Alyvia and my niece, we had such a great time! Friday, was Jayden's dentist appointment. He needs dental surgery this summer, so we're trying to figure out who will perform it and when and how much it's going to cost out of pocket and how much insurance will cover. What a pain in the ass!! The dentist he saw was fantastic though! Unfortunately, he's not a surgeon, so he can't do the surgery.

Friday night, I went with Jamie to Tombstones. That was fun, as always!

Sunday, my mom took Jayden and Erika for the night. I spent the day doing a grad party. It was so much fun!

However...Sunday, when I got home, I found out that Alyvia's daddy, David Cast, died at age 24 in a motorcycle accident that morning. How devestating!! 24 and a daddy of two little girls. It's so sad that they will grow up not getting to know him...but I know that Jessica will always tell Alyvia about her daddy and how much he loved her. Please keep Jessica, Alyvia, David and their friends and family in your thoughts and prayers!

Last night, our neighbors were moving out of the house next door...they stiffed us on rent, and vandalised the house...stole...it was horrible. They took off and my dad and brother chased them. They caught them at Nice N Easy and the police came...it has to be taken up in court because it's considered a civil matter. I've lost so much faith in our police. It's ridiculous. Protect and serve? They don't even show up to protect you until you've already been hurt/violated. And serve? Please. They show up late and then let you know they can't do anything. They are such dirt bags. If you're reading this and you're on my facebook, then you'll see that everybody feels the same way. Haha!

Tomorrow, I'm up bright and early to watch Erika! I watch her again Friday!!

THAT'S what I forgot to mention...I am officially watching my niece for the summer! YAY!! I love her so much :)

End of the school year!

2009-06-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

Today is Jayden's last day of kindergarten!! We had a great time yesterday at his graduation ceremony! I just can't believe this is the end of kindergarten.
During Jayden's graduation yesterday, the whole kindergarten class started off by saying the Pledge of Allegiance, then they all sang God Bless America. It was amazing to hear so many 5-6 year olds singing such a beautiful song! It brought tears to my eyes!
Each seperate kindergarten class sang their own songs and did their own dances. One class sang "What A Wonderful World," another class sang "Kindergarten," another sang "Love Grows," and Jayden's class sang a song called "I love you, too."

All together, the whole grade sang, "It's A Beautiful Day," and "Move Me Up!" (which was soooo cute! It was to the tune of Take Me Out To The Ball Game. Except, "Move me up to the first grade!")

They then presented each child, individually, with their kindergarten diplomas. Their diplomas are SO cute! They have a picture of your child on them with their graduation hat and gown, next to "Class of 2021"...WOW! Class of 2021! That is so crazy to me!

After getting their diplomas, all of the children got to come sit with their families while we watched a Kindergarten Memories DVD presentation...it was tons of pictures throughout the school year. It was beautiful! The song, "Let Them Be Little" played during it. Needless to say, I cried.

Afterwards, we went to the classrooms for refreshments. I got to catch up some more with Ashley (who I went out with on Friday night, her daughter Gabby graduated with Jayden yesterday!).

We left the school then went to see my grandpa in the hospital. He was so proud of Jayden! I love seeing Grandpa! I miss him so much while he's in the hospital.

Jayden then got to go to Toys R Us where he picked out a new Nintendo DS game. He got the LEGO Indiana Jones one.

Today, Jayden is meeting his first grade teacher. He'll be getting out off school in about half an hour, and then he's done for the summer! WOW!!

Alyvia is here and sleeping so peacefully next to me. She is such a good baby! Tomorrow and Friday, I watch both Alyvia and my niece, Erika (she's 10). On Friday, we have to go to Jayden's dentist appointment--that will be interesting! Me, Jayden, Erika and Alyvia!! But we'll manage!

Graduation...

2009-06-22T17:10:00.000-07:00

Where has the past 9 months gone? Tomorrow, my son graduates from kindergarten. It seems as though he was just starting his first year in a real school and now, here we are at the end of kindergarten. Tomorrow, at 9:30, the elementary school cafeteria will be filling up with other parents and family members that are experiencing the same bittersweet emotions that I am feeling at this very moment. I am so overwhelmed with love, pride and joy for my little boy...who, I have to admit, is nothing close to being a "baby" anymore! (He will ALWAYS be my baby though! Nothing will ever change that!). I have to accept that in reality, he is very much a young boy now. Almost six whole years old and completing his first year of school. He doesn't resemble a baby in his appearance either. Missing his first tooth, he's tall, thin, and I see some of his expression and I can just already picture him as a teen. It's crazy! I'm begining to see some of his "adult like" features...his face shape, his gestures, his sense of humor. It truly is awesome to watch!

So yes...tomorrow is graduation. Then Wednesday, Jayden will have a half a day of school and he'll be out for the summer! I cannot wait! (Neither can he!)

what a great time we had!

2009-06-20T07:41:00.001-07:00

WOW! Last night was a blast. Jamie, Malorie and I went to the field days first...hung out a bit and met up with Ashley, her boyfriend Mike, and some kids that we went to school with. We left there to go back to Ash's house, then Ash, Jamie, Malorie and I went to Hollyrock in Utica, where my friend Jeff's band, Gridley Paige was playing. We had a blast!
After, we went to Cavallo's. Danced the night away! My legs and feet are SO sore today!
We went back to Ashley's house for awhile after, then came home...got into bed and fell fast asleep!

Today, Jayden has a birthday party to attend, and tonight, we might go to the Pompey Field Days, where my dad and brothers band is playing.

rough night

2009-06-19T05:40:00.000-07:00

All I have to say is...what a night.

Scott was upset about things that were out of my control, yet I got blamed, I got torn apart for it--which, I must say, is totally not in Scott's character, so it's alittle more understanding when he finally does snap about things, but it also makes it harder because that's not the man I know, and I am not used to it and don't know how to handle someone that I love ripping me apart.

Even just thinking about some of the things that he said make me tear up...so I'm working on not thinking about them.

We talked for a couple hours last night and cleared things up, but it doesn't take the words back and it doesn't make them hurt any less! We've gone through things like this before. I am so thankful that these arguments are very few and far between. All I can do is cry during them though, and I hate crying. I always get a headache and it makes my eyes puffy and it makes me tired.

I cried pretty much all day yesterday. This argument with Scott on top of what is going on with my grandpa, it was just too much to take. I cried and cried...then cried some more...cried myself to sleep...and sure enough, when I woke up, guess who's eyes were so puffy that they couldn't really open? Mine.

How come when boys get angry and take things out on you, they can go to bed like nothing happened after it's all cleared up, and not only do us emotional women continue having to analyze it, we also get physical reminders (swollen eyes...etc) of what went down!? Lame!

I'm just glad it's...resolved...now.

I haven't heard anymore on my grandpa, so I'm hoping that no news is good news. Tonight, my cousin Malorie is getting into town and we're going to go out and do some things. Then, Sunday, which is Fathers Day, I babysit Alyvia from 12n-4pm, but either before or after that, Malorie and I are going to go see Grandpa for Fathers Day.

My phone is supossed to get here today.

I cannot wait!

Grandpa...

2009-06-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

My grandpa is in the hospital, he has been for a few weeks now after some complications with his knee replacement surgery. Last night, we (my dad, Jayden and I) went to visit and I was not prepared to see him so confused. It was so hard to see. My heart broke. I am at a loss right now. It's all I can think about. I worry about him so much. Due to Grandpa's confusion, the doctors are ordering a cat scan on Grandpa's brain to see if there are any blood clots or anything of that nature. Part of me is praying that there is nothing there, after all, nobody wants there to be anything wrong with a loved one, but part of me hopes that they can find something that is fixable and help him.

Thoughts and prayers are very much appreciated and needed.

Voyager!

2009-06-17T05:58:00.001-07:00

Within a day or two, I will be he new owner of a new phone. FINALLY!

Last night, we ordered the LG Voyager. There is currently a promotion going on where if you buy one, you get one free. So, my dad will have one, I will have the other.

I am looking forward to a fully functioning phone again!

again!?

2009-06-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

Two entries in one day? I'm bored, I tell ya! Bored!!

I'm just in a rambly (is that a word?) mood, I suppose!

Jayden is playing his Nintendo DS and I am enjoying the sunshine coming through my patio door and the light, gentle breeze that comes in with it.

Nights like this make me realize one thing and one thing only...

GOD IS GREAT.

He really is! This is such a beautiful day, perfect in practically every way.

This week is going to be great. Lots of Momma/Jayden time, babysitting Alyvia on Thursday and Friday. Then later Friday night, seeing my cousins Jessica and Malorie and my friend, Jamie...going out with them. Jayden's going to Izzy's party on Saturday, which he is extremely excited about by the way!! There is going to be a magician! Sunday is Father's Day. Monday is a normal day, but full of excitement because....

Tuesday is Jayden's kindergarten graduation!

Then Wednesday is Jayden's last day of school! He only has a half day that day. This is all coming up so fast! I can't believe it!

Fun filled week and weekend and following week ahead!

Summer 2009, here we come!!

Olympic Day!

2009-06-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

What a day yesterday was! We got up, got ready for school and I got Jayden and Juliana (I babysit her before and after school) on the school bus-they were SO excited for Olympic Day! My mom came to my house around 9:30am and we headed over to the school way early to park because we didn't know how parking would be. We sat on the picnic tables at the playground and sipped coffee when all of a sudden, it started pouring rain!

We went into the elementary school and I asked if Olympic Day was cancelled, the office worker told me that as of then, it was still on and that all of them were hoping and praying (the kids included!) that the storms passed before the festivities were to begin. It didn't look like that was going to happen though, the forecast had rain and thunderstorms coming through all...day...long.

However, the prayers did work! That storm went through, then it was bright blue skies, sunny and it warmed right up! We were so happy! The kids were ecstatic! We thought for sure it was going to be cancelled. God sure showed us that we need to keep faith because anything is possible!

Jayden, my mom and I had lunch together. They made barbeque chicken, hot dogs, burgers, etc...for lunch and it was fantastic! We then went outside where the kids got to play on the playground until it was time for their Olympic events to begin! Jayden's team was up first. He did the torch race, which he called the "torture race" (haha!). He did great! His team got third place! My cousin, Jessica, came to watch and Jayden was so happy about that!

Afterwards, I signed Jayden out of school and my mom and I took him to the store where he picked out two toys! We came home and played until 5 or so, when we decided to get ready and head out to Canastota to my niece, Erika's game. Her team lost, but Erika made all-stars! I am so very proud of my little mini-me!

While we were there, Jayden walked up to 3 little boys and asked (very politely) if he could play with them. They shot him right down. It broke my heart! But I was so proud of him for asking like such a big, polite boy! My niece, Erika's stepmom, Jen, tried to help and introduce Jayden to the little boys,and they played together for a few minutes but then, the boys took off. *Sigh.* It's hard being a mom!

Today, I got up and got Jayden and Juliana on the school bus, came back upstairs and laid back in bed and started to watch The First 48 marathon that is on all day long. Then I got this random urge to rearrange my bedroom. I even painted. I painted the door that leads to my little balcony outside. It looks so pretty! It was red before, then a light yellow. Right now, it's like a cream color. It's really pretty! I love how it turned out. My cats are loving having that door open now that the weather is nice. The screen door is obviously shut and locked, but there is such a nice breeze through here! It feels so nice! Mario and Peach are LOVING it!

Speaking of Peach...she now lays like Mario. What a weirdo!

fingers crossed

2009-06-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

I am keeping my fingers crossed for good weather for tomorrrow. Tomorrow is Jayden's Olympic Day, where he will be doing all sorts of sporting events with his classmates after a big cookout at the school! I am so excited and Jayden is, as well! The weather forecast isn't looking too good though. It looks like rain all day, with thunderstorms in the afternoon. Ugh. Here's to hoping. If the weather is bad tomorrow, the Olympic Day celebration will be moved to Tuesday. If the weather is bad on Tuesday? Who knows. I have no idea what they will do. I hope that they can figure something out so that the kids aren't too disappointed! The forecast for Tuesday is much like it is for tomorrow. Less rainy, less thunder-y, but there is the threat of that all day. The morning looks somewhat clear.

Jayden will be SO bummed if Olympic Day is cancelled tomorrow!

On to other things...I went downstairs awhile ago and there on the table, sat a big bag full of clothes. My cousin, Anne, sent them up for Jayden. Her son, Louis, is just a year or so older than Jayden (maybe a year and a half or two years, I'm not really sure, he's not much older than him though!) I love when she does this! She always buys Louis such nice things, Adidas, Nike, GAP, etc...Basically, she buys Louis all of the things that I buy Jayden. Jayden is very much a name-brand kid...he doesn't know it, and I make sure that he doesn't know it, it's just in my shopping style. Don't get me wrong, when I find something in Walmart, or Target that I think is cute, I grab it. I do not care about the name on the tags, it just usually works out that the things that Jayden and I like the looks of, tend to be from GAP, Ralph Lauren, 77kids, etc...And he loves the 'active clothing,' like Adidas windbreaker pants, Nike windbreaker pants, etc... Anne also sent up some swim trunks for Jayden. They are SUPER cute!! She also sent up one of those shirts that has sun protection in it, and helps prevent sweating in the heat. Jayden will love that. He is such an active little guy! Who knows, maybe he'll even wear that for Olympic Day! I love hand-me-downs. It works out so well! I buy Jayden so many clothes throughout the year, but Anne generally sends them just as he's transitioning out of sizes. Just at the right times! They hold us over until I can get to the mall again. Thank you Anne!

I am watching Amazing Wedding Cakes on WE (Women's Entertainment) and this show is making me SO hungry, SO eager to get married and have that amazing wedding cake. Will I get buttercream frosting? Or a fondant type? I suppose that will depend on whether Scott and I get married indoors or outdoors. I learned tonight that buttercream is sensitive to the elements...which I guess is common sense, it's just not something I ever really thought about. Fondant stays put. Sugar flowers are recommended for outdoor situations-they are made of fonant (I think, here I go talking like I know what I am saying!). Buttercream flowers...well, obviously, they're made out of buttercream frosting, just like the cakes, those should be more for indoor scenarios. But I digress...

It is 10:35pm and I am sitting here worried about tomorrow. I don't know why I am so worried about it! If Olympic Day is cancelled, then it's cancelled. Nothing I can do about it. I guess I am just worried about how Jayden will feel if the day he has looked forward to for so long, doesn't happen. It's hard seeing your little one disappointed!

OH! Here is something I wanted to make note of. It doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but our neighbors that rent from my dad are moving out. My dad placed the ad on-line today for the house next door since he will need to find new tenants to replace the old ones, and low and behold, there was a car pulling up the driveway tonight. People were JUMPING trying to see in the windows of the house. It's not even available yet! I was so annoyed. Who does things like that!? I always thought that it was common courtesy (and common sense) that when interested in a place, you contact the person renting it and figure out when you can view it. You don't just go show up, not knowing if there are still people living in it (which there ARE!), and jump to see into the windows!? Creepy. My dad sent out a general email to all of the responses he's recieved about the house that they need to contact him for viewing times, there are still tenants over there, NOT to go to the house without contacting my dad first, etc...Hopefully people listen. They probably won't though.

*UPDATE: I watched Alyvia on Friday-it went great! I am watching here again on Thursday and Friday. I was really nervous around nap time considering I haven't been around a sleeping baby since Liam, and that had me really scared. I held Alyvia most of the time so that I could feel her breathing. And I panicked when I put her down in her little bed, so she didn't lay in there too long. I felt much more comfortable feeling her breathing. And it was easier on my emotions (and my back) not to have to go over to her and feel her every minute or two, to make sure she was still breathing. I hope that with time, that part of it gets alittle easier on me--but I doubt that it will. I still check Jayden repeatedly to make sure he's still breathing and he'll be six years old next month! That will be something I never get over. The reality of SIDS is too scary for me, and I know how real it is and how it CAN happen to anybody, so experiencing it, of course, I am even more scared of it than the average person. I believe that it will help my babysitting a lot--I mean, you want a babysitter that cares enough about your child and their well-being to want to be sure that they're ok. I would hate to have a babysitter that laid my child down, left them alone for a couple of hours in another room, and maybe not know if something had happened for a couple hours after the fact. Although SIDS babies can't be revived, I don't like the idea of them being alone. And especially being alone and gone for hours before they're discovered. Ya know? So while I am sure that Alyvia will be fine, I still get scared, and I can't bring myself to even go into the other room if she's sleeping (or awake for that matter, LOL!) without her. I just can't do it. I have to make sure she's ok! I just hope that while I know it'll be something I am always worried about, always checking on, and always a wreck over, I hope that it's something that I can not panic during anymore. But who knows. That'll probably never happen.

...more than angels watching over me...

2009-06-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, the softest breath upon my skin, I feel you come back again.

And it's like you haven't been gone a moment from my side, like the tears were never cried.

Like the hands of time were pulling you and me.

And with all my heart, I'm sure, we're closer than we ever were.

I don't have to hear or see, I've got all the proof I need.

There are more than angels watching over me...I believe...I believe.

-Diamond Rio

My heart is so heavy today. Nothing has changed, nothing is different, it's just one of "those days." "Those days" that mom's like me, who have experienced the death of their child, go through. "Those days" that you pray to never have, but you do, anyways. "Those days" that leave you clinging onto all that you have to hold onto...God. It's "those days" that you never feel so far from God, but also so close to Him. It's so hard to describe. I will never understant why. Why my son was taken from my arms. But I will have faith in God to take care of my Liam. I know that God does what He has to do, and that's all I need to know. But it doesn't keep me from wanting my earthly, motherly needs to be fullfilled with my son in my arms. It doesn't mean that I don't wish that God didn't need Liam back. I do. I wish so badly that Liam was here, in my arms, my big 2 year old! I wish that Liam would be walking by my side, holding my hand as we enter his big brother's Olympic Day celebration this upcoming school week, and then the following school week, Jayden's kindergarten graduation. I know he's there with us in spirit. I know that we're lucky. We have our own, personal angel watching over us! Sometimes, it's just hard. Well, not sometimes...ALL of the time. "You never get over it, you just learn how to get through it." And there are still times that I don't know how...or if...I will get through it. I just have to try. Try and try, that's all it seems like I do. And I am trying hard.

All of my love...all of my love...all of my love to you...

-Led Zeppelin

TGIF!

2009-06-12T06:57:00.000-07:00

Thank God It's Friday!!

I know, I know, since I technically don't have an out-of-the-home job, my days of the week shouldn't really matter considering I don't have a Monday through Friday, 9-5 schedule. But, I do enjoy my Friday's!

That means no alarm clock being set tomorrow (even though Jayden wakes up at the same time everyday, there is just something freeing about not having that ERRRNT-ERRRNT-ERRRNT buzzing every morning), or Sunday.

No juggling errands around when the bus will be coming.

No paranoid motherly worries such as, "What if somebody kidnaps Jayden from the school? What if he misses his bus and doesn't know what to do? What if somebody hurts Jayden? What if a bully is bothering him?"

I love that Friday nights, Jayden and I typically make dinner, watch movies and play games until bed time.

I love that Saturdays are usually a day of adventure, going different places, going to the store, taking a ride, etc...

And I love that Sunday is usually our day of rest. Relaxing around the house, getting things ready for the next week.

So yes, today is Friday and I am happy!

I am babysitting little 5 month old Alyvia today, then later on once her mommy gets out of work and she goes home, I am taking Jayden to get his haircut, then I am going to treat myself to a coffee or two, and maybe a magazine to read over the weekend.

But back to watching Alyvia! I am so excited about this! It has been a long time since I've been around little, tiny ones! I miss this stage so much, and since I never got to get to this stage with Liam, it's heartbreaking for me, but at the same time, I feel like I've missed so much, I'm excited to get a little more baby experience since it has been so long. It will really lift my spirits and I am hoping it will even help me with my loss of Liam in some ways. I can't wait to just lay a big blanket on the floor and talk baby talk and put on Baby Einstein videos again...things that I haven't done in so long! Babies always have such a joy that comes along with being around them. Seeing the world through a baby's eyes is something I have always been in awe of!

I am really looking forward to this!

delicious.

2009-06-11T07:29:00.001-07:00

This is my favorite fabric softener so far.

My clothes are SO soft and smell SO good!

Where did my baby go!?

2009-06-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

Where or where has my little boy gone? Oh where, oh where can he be!?

My baby...yes, that's right, my baby...my 4 lb. 12 oz. baby boy lost his first tooth tonight!! Ok, ok, I understand that my "baby" will be 6 next month. Six whole years old. But he's still MY baby...in my eyes, he will always be that little, super tiny, 4 lb. baby that I held in my arms on July 13, 2003.

I can't believe that he has lost his first tooth. I was so excited, as was he...but then I got super emotional and shed a couple tears.

It brought back memories to how excited I was when he got those teeth--and how I shed tears of excitement, and also those bittersweet tears that us momma's shed when we realize that our babies are growing up.

It seems like just yesterday that those teeth were poking through and I was trying to comfort my teething infant. But it was NOT just yesterday...it was years ago. YEARS!! Where have they gone!? It is crazy to me how fast time has gone by...

My son is going to be six years old. Wow...

My baby with his first two teeth! They came through at the same time!
May 2004!

And here is my guy tonight!

June 10, 2009! One month and three days shy of 6 years old!

Jaydens top two front teeth, and also the other front bottom one (right next to the one that he lost), are also all loose!

whiskey lullaby.

2009-06-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

This morning, I woke up and checked out the group that I am on, just as I do every day. I read about one of my on-line friends and some hard times that she is going through due to her boyfriend developing an alcohol problem. This has been weighing heavy on my heart since I read about it--I can only imagine the pain she is feeling. I am going to leave names out, because the bottom line is, this is personal and it's nobody's business. She shared with us, not to share with others their own detailed experience with this, but because she needed us. I do not want to exploit their situation. However, my heart is breaking knowing that she is facing some hard decisions about her relationship with who she believes (and I believe too, because you can just tell) is her soul mate. I pray that he will get help for himself so that he can better his relationship with her and their children. Although I didn't mention names, just please take a moment to say alittle prayer for them, or think of them. It would mean a lot to me. It's not fair for anybody to have to go through these things.

I had to pick Jayden up from school earlier. We both feel horrible. *Sigh*...when will it end!? I am exhausted. Last night, we went to a "benefit" of sorts at Seymour's. It was all you can eat Chicken Riggies and they were fantastic!! After, we went to Barnes and Noble, then out for ice cream. Jayden was having a really rough day yesterday. He was exhausted, and just totally cranky and sobbing for no real reason. My poor little guy. I knew he'd still be kind of out of it today!

It looks as though it's about to rain...I cannot wait. I love rainy weather!

relaxation? not quite!

2009-06-08T11:16:00.000-07:00

I was going to try to take today to rest as much as possible. I knew that household chores would need to be done, but I thought that maybe I could get a couple hours of rest time in before tackling the laundry, dusting, etc... I should have known that that idea sounded too good to be true! Instead, I woke up to Jayden coughing, with a slight fever. Not a full-on fever, and he probably could have gone to school, but I got a text message this morning from Jill saying that Juliana wasn't going to school, and Jayden kept coughing, so I just thought to myself "I'll ask him what he wants to do, if he wants to stay home, I'm not going to force him to go, otherwise, I'll get a call in an hour and a half to pick him up from school once the teacher hears him coughing." I asked Jayden what he wanted to do, and at first, he said he wanted to go to school, so we got up, started getting ready and then the coughing kicked into high-gear and he changed his mind. We got back into bed for about another half an hour before we finally got up, and got ourselves ready for the day.

Monday's are our coffee days. By "our," I mean my mom, brother and myself. We sit in the corner of Dunkin Donuts and sip on coffee and chat. Jayden said he felt good enough to go, and he was hungry anyways, so we went, I got coffee and a muffin, Jayden got some food and juice and we talked it up with my mom and brother for awhile. My brother decided he would like to get Jayden something, so we ran into Target after we were finished up, and he got Jayden the Super Mario carrying case for his Nintendo DS. I got him a new Mario stylus and 6 Mario'ish cases to put his games in (although, I didn't realize until after we got home, that my boy has more than 6 DS games, oh well. At least 6 are in Mario cases).

We are now home. Home sweet home. Tonight, there is a chicken riggies benefit to raise some money for somebody in the area, I believe that they're ill--I didn't hear the full story though. We might get some riggies for dinner. Great food for a great cause!

I forgot to update on this...I was supposed to meet baby Alyvia last week, but due to some complications with Alyvia's momma's car, and then me getting sick, I still haven't been able to meet her yet. I'm hoping that I am better by tomorrow so that I can meet her and begin watching her!

ill.

2009-06-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

This is day 4 of being sick. It started out as just a sore throat, but now, it's full blown. I now have not only a sore throat, but also, a headache, cough and my head feels all congested. No fun at all!
Last night, I thought I would feel good enough to go out to the lake, so we all piled in my dad's car and off we went. Jayden and I both felt sick, so we spent a majority of the night in the back of my dad's car, sleeping. Before we gave up, we did get a nice boat ride in. That was pretty. Cold, but pretty. Probably wasn't the greatest idea considering I wasn't feeling well. I think that the boat ride made Jayden alittle queezy because he was fine before that.
I wish that I could get some rest in...but unfortunately, everybody ELSE is resting (although I'm the sick one), while I clean the house, wash dishes, etc... Nice...No wonder I don't seem to get better. I never get any real time to rest.

sniff sniff

2009-06-05T15:42:00.000-07:00

I am a sucker for all things smelly...smelly in a good way, that is! Fabric softeners, candles, shampoos, conditioners, body washes, if it smells good, I like it.

I noticed my obsession starting with Yankee Candles-I worked there for awhile and the best part of the job was 50% off of the candles and being in a store of delicious scents. Creme Brulee being one of my all time favorites. It is currently my main scent that I burn in my living room. De-lic-ious.

I then moved on to fabric softeners...I love them. I can't help it. I love the new Snuggle Creme line...and I love, love, love the Sweet Almond Essence scent. It is so luxurious and comforting. It makes you want to "snuggle" up.

Shampoo? Love most of it. The scents that get me are the kids scents though. I switch between so many different things in my hair. I am a fan of what I purchased for Jayden tonight though. L'Oreal Kids...amazing. My son's head smells good enough to eat.

well, that's kind of the way I'm feeling...

2009-06-04T08:40:00.000-07:00

I am in such a strange mood today. Not a good mood. Not a bad mood. Emotional? Maybe, but I'm not crying and in hysterics. What is my deal? I have no idea. It's beautiful out, sunny, perfect. I don't feel like being outside though. I would rather be sleeping. That's just how I'm feeling today. I think that it may have something to do with the fact that I hold things in for so long and eventually, they just beat me down. I don't freak out, I don't yell, I don't get bent out of shape, I just get drained. Tired.

Today is going to be one of those fleece pajama pant and tank top, while laying on the couch, sipping coffee days until the busy part of my day starts in a couple of hours!

Around 2pm, I am meeting baby Alyvia, who I am hoping I will be starting to babysit very soon! She is 5 months old! I am so excited! Nervous, because I am so scared of something like SIDS happening, but I am more excited than anything!

I am waiting to hear about my grandpa...fingers crossed that he's doing well today...

Sad Day, Sad Day.

2009-06-03T13:03:00.000-07:00

Today, June 3, 2003, at 8:34am, Scott's grandmother, Dorothy (a.k.a "Grandma Dot") passed away. I feel so honored to have met her and gotten to know her alittle during my relationship with Scott. She was a riot! Upon the news of her passing this morning, I felt my heart sink into my stomach and I just felt this overwhelming sense of sadness, but also a sense of peacefulness. Scott's grandma was 90 years old and Scott says she lived a very full life...at 90, how could you not!? As sad as all deaths are, I am thankful that Scott has had her in his life, that Meredith has had her in her life, and that Scott's parents have had her for so long. So many have lost their mom's in their 50's, 60's, 70's...to have a parent (or grandparent) make it into their 80's, 90's, sometimes even 100's, is a blessing and reason to celebrate their life. Grandma Dot will be missed tremendously.

May 15, 2008, birthday dinner for Grandma Dot and Meredith at On The Border.
(Grandma Dot all the way on the right)

After that news, my brother and I went to St. Lukes Hospital to see my grandpa, who is there. He was admitted Monday, had to have surgery, and will be there until at least tomorrow. Then he will be staying about another week or so for rehab (physical therapy) on his knee. Please keep my grandpa in your thoughts and prayers. It's very hard for me to see him in there, he is so uncomfortable, and he has been slightly forgetful (we are praying it's just the medication making him that way).

Jayden's back tooth is causing his gums to swell. *sigh*...my poor little guy. The dentist won't touch it unless we have about $3,000 ready to pay BEFORE he even does anything, and that's just to hold the spaces open for his adult teeth. Due to me having a high fever during my pregnancy, and then Jayden being born 2 months premature, he has extremely weak enamel, and no matter how often we brush, his teeth (mostly in the back) decay and crumble. The dentist reassured me that as these are baby teeth, he is not in pain (unless his gums become inflamed), it's more just an awkward feeling. But currently, his gums are swollen, just on one side. LUCKILY, he's not complaining much, he said it just feels "weird" when he bites down. I've been trying to get to the bottom of his insurance issues and why they won't cover the surgery, and trying to work something out with the dentist, who is a total jerk as it is. Ugh. What a pain...mostly for Jayden...but then for me as a mom to know that I can't control it. The more I brush, the more tooth crumbles, and clearly, I can't NOT brush his teeth (we brush 2-3 times a day), otherwise he'll develop more cavities and more decay. We can't win. The only good thing about this dentist and how he treats me is that he made it clear that he sees a lot of children who were once preemies that have this same thing. It also doesn't help that Desmond had horrible teeth as a child, similar to what is going on with Jayden. I was one of those kids that was good about brushing, but I wasn't like anal about it, and I didn't take the greatest care of my teeth (I just never really thought about it growing up, I brushed twice daily but skipped out on the dentist, and all of the other stuff), yet I never once got a cavity. My poor guy was cursed with some bad dental genes!

Hopefully, next week, I will begin babysitting a 5 month old little girl named Alyvia! I cannot wait! It'll be nice to have a baby around, make alittle extra money, and help her momma out! I am hoping that I am able to meet up and meet Alyvia tomorrow--with everything going on with my grandpa though, I am unsure of how that will all pan out. Hopefully though! If we can't get together tomorrow, I'm hoping that at some point over the weekend we're able to.

On a different note, I finished "Baby Proof" by Emily Giffin-took me less than a day, and it was great! I am sad that there are no more books for me to read by her. I am starting one that I bought years ago and never read called, "Little Earthquakes" by Jennifer Weiner.

June!

2009-06-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

June 1st, already!? Where does the time go? This is the month that I am supossed to be moving to Texas, however, I will not be. Before anybody freaks out, let me explain. Jayden and I are still moving to Texas! We are still going to be with Scott! Some unexpected things came up in both my life and Scott's life (nothing between us--it's all unrelated to our relationship--we are doing AMAZING!), and right now, my grandfather is in the hospital as we speak, his grandmother is seriously ill, and I have to get Jayden through the rest of this school year, and his birthday, which he desperately wants to have in New York with all of his kindergarten friends. In August, I want to start a tutoring class, where I can brush up on my skills and that program is only available here. We basically picked June as a "get-to" goal, if all was in place by this month, we were going to do it, but we basically picked June as a time to re-evaluate our financial situations, see how far we've come and when we can realistically make the move! We are SO excited! I will keep everybody in the loop! We want to make it as smooth as possible, not just for us, but most importantly, for Jayden.

My grandfather had his knee replacement two weeks ago today, however, the healing isn't going like it should. His surgical wound has been leaking, bleeding, etc...He's been in a lot of pain, and it broke my heart to see him that way yesterday when I was at my grandparents home to visit. He was supossed to go tomorrow for another surgery, to open it up, clean it out, add a drain, and then re-stitch (or staple) the wound up. But today, he unexpectedly had to go back in, and they were going to try to get to the surgery today. I worry about him. As much as I cannot wait to spend my life with my future husband in Texas and "our" son (we refer to Jayden as OURS...Scott loves him as he was his own), I do not mind hanging out in New York awhile longer and spending more time with my grandparents. I could very well get to Texas and then get that phone call that Grandpa...or Grandma...is no longer with us, and that would hurt so badly to know that I could have been spending more time with them. I will take the time this summer, during my wait, to be with them, make more memories with them (I am so thankful to have SO many memories with all of my grandparents, including my two that are already in Heaven...Grandpa Hynes and Grandma Hynes). I need to get some nice pictures of Jayden and I with Grandma and Grandpa Elmer.

Speaking of grandparents, yesterday was my Grandpa Hynes' birthday. He died in 2003, and yesterday, I really, really missed him. I miss him a lot, very often. But sometimes, it's as if I can feel him, yesterday was one of those days. It was one of those days where I felt like I needed him. I needed his words of encouragement and guidance. I needed to feel his company. I believe that I did. In my utmost moments of sadness yesterday, I felt what felt like a very warm blanket being wrapped around me. It made me burst into tears, as it reminded me very much of what I felt the day that Liam passed away. I don't know if it was God, or Grandpa, or both, but either way, I knew that there is a God, that He does hear, and that He helps me through, whether by sending my grandpa to me, or wrapping me in His own arms. When Liam passed away, as I held my lifeless infant in my arms, through tears, I sobbed, "Thank you God for letting me have him...Thank you for my time with him." And instantly, I felt the pressure and warmth of someone wrapping their arms around me. I will never forget that. In the worst moment of my life, the worst that will top any other bad thing that can happen, I had Him with me, He knew my hurt, He knew how hard that was (and still is) for me. And I had Him with me. I had that happen again yesterday too. It makes me so thankful, yet so emotional. I hope that Grandpa enjoyed his Heavenly birthday yesterday, with his great grandson in his arms. I KNOW that Grandpa is enjoying Liam, and enjoying having him. My grandpa was a total baby-person. He LOVED babies...he loved everything about them. He used to tell us babies are blessings, babies are miracles, babies are gifts from God. I have always believed that, and I know it to be true. I know he's just so thrilled to be with Liam! And I'm thrilled to know that Liam is in good hands, not only of our Father...but of our Grandpa.

Anyways...Jayden graduates from kindergarten this month! June 23, I cannot believe his first year of school is coming to an end! I started crying yesterday and saying, "but he only has 12 more years left of school!" I know, I know, 12 years SEEMS like a long time, but us mothers know, 12 years is not that long. Not when the baby you feel like you just gave birth to yesterday is now 5 years old...ALMOST 6 years old. So with him being almost 6 and how fast that's felt...there's only two more 6 years until he's done with school! What the heck!? I'm not ready for that! That means in about 12 years, it'll be time for him to go to college...he'll be DRIVING...that can't happen. I can't let it happen! I can never let him go! Ha! It's how I feel right now though. I don't want him out of my sight. I know though, that I am raising an incredible "little person," who will develop into an incredible man (dang...my little boy will be a MAN someday!), who will have his love for his family, his love for God, and the confidence and faith to get through this world. And I'll be there for him every step of the way, in good times and bad...that's what us Momma's do. We are always there...always.

Now on to less emotional topics...Paranormal State. I miss that show. The season finale was on 2 weeks ago...two weeks ago tonight, actually. My Monday nights are now sad, uneventful, boring. Paranormal State gave me something to look forward to! I just recently got back into the swing of things, for a long time, I didn't watch much tv, I just kind of went through the motions of my days, got wrapped up in daily chores and didn't take much time for ME. In the past few weeks, I've been trying to get back to the basics of me as my own individual person. A huge part of me is MOMMY. But I also love taking some time for myself while Jayden is in school during the day, whether it's taking a walk, watching a movie, reading a book, or just taking the time to take a nap and catch up on some sleep. I've enjoyed establishing old friendships and new friendships, getting myself out there to enjoy a different type of relationship with the world. I hardly ever do those things, I usually see the world just through the eyes of a Mom...but even when Jayden isn't physically out and about with me, I still find myself slipping into the "mom-mode"...for example, going out irks me in some ways because I see how irresponsible people are, how ridiculous people are and how petty people are. I see how a lot of people waste their lives away with alcohol and that many times, it's not just an every once in awhile event with them. There are some people that I know that drink daily, it's just what they do. They don't even go out with their friends or family and have a few, a lot of them drink alone, go out and drink for the purpose of getting DRUNK, and that just isn't me. I enjoy the social aspect of going out from time to time. Getting together and talking, catching up and having a couple drinks, getting a bite to eat, etc...

That being said, I so wish that we had more events with people my age, but also with my interests around here...maybe a book club? Something low key, something that I can learn something during, sip on coffee, engage in some friendly conversation, and relate to other mom's. I have just been getting so into these novels that they make me crave good girlfriends. Friends that I call and meet up for coffee and discuss everyday things with. I miss that! I am getting that back with Jamie though, and that's great! I've missed her! We grew up together, it'll be nice to have a close girlfriend again.

I want to meet other moms too, though.

Everyday, I fight the urge to get another cat. There are so many "free cats" around that I just feel so bad for, that I want to give a good home to. But I already have two, and they say that with cats, two is company, three is a crowd. Two cats both live and function happily, it's not always the case when you add more, cats sometimes pick their buddies and one may be left out. I don't want to do that to another animal. I don't want it to feel left out. Plus, I already have to move two cats to Texas...I can't afford to move more. *Sigh*...cats are just too cute though.

Enough is enough. No more rambling! Ta-ta for now!

I love reading.

2009-05-30T18:59:00.000-07:00

I have been reading such great books lately. I started with the latest book written by Emily Giffin called "Love The One You're With," fantastic. I really enjoyed reading that. I am currently reading "Something Borrowed," also by Emily Giffin. I just got "Something Blue," today...I can't wait to start it!! The last one for me to read (and purchase) is "Baby Proof." These are total chick-novels.

greatness!

2009-05-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

I had such an awesome day yesterday! I got up, got Jayden and Juliana (the little girl I babysit in the mornings and afternoons) on the schoolbus, and then off to Syracuse my dad and I went. We first stopped for coffee to take along on the trip, and the first stop was Barnes and Noble where I got "Something Borrowed" by Emily Giffin. After that, we went to Borders are Carousel Mall, then we went to The Brooklyn Pickle for lunch. It was amazing, as it always is! They have such great sandwiches! After that, we headed back towards home and got milkshakes. Later last night, Jayden and my dad wanted another milkshake, so off I went to pick some up. I opted out for a Diet Pepsi and Sour Patch Kids instead, which I am thoroughly enjoying as I write this blog entry.

Last night, however, Scott text messaged me saying that his grandma wasn't doing well. He called and told me that she's in the hospital and they don't know how much longer she has. They're waiting on some test results to come back about what exactly is going on. He is at the hospital right now seeing her. I am praying so hard for her, I hope that she pulls through. I am thankful that I got to meet her, and that she's gotten to see pictures of Jayden. Just back on May 16, Jayden made a video for her, singing her happy birthday. He also made Scott's sister, Meredith, a video to sing happy birthday to her as well. Meredith and Grandma share their birthday. Please keep "Grandma Dot" in your thoughts and prayers.

Today, I'm spending most of the day cleaning and relaxing. My mom is taking Jayden tonight and I am going to go to the beach with Jamie--"the beach" here doesn't really mean the actual beach. We are going to Sylvan Beach, which is a place...yes, there is a beach there, but the town, village, whatever it is, is called Sylvan Beach. We're going to go to Harpoon Eddies, get something to eat, have a few drinks and hang out! It's sure to be a great time! The weather is rainy again, so it won't be actual beaching weather. No laying out in the sand today!

Rain, Rain, (Don't) Go Away...

2009-05-27T06:47:00.000-07:00

What a gloomy, rainy Wednesday. I love it! This cool, rainy weather is perfect for curling up in bed with a good book, or putting on a romance movie. That's exactly what I plan on doing today. I slept great last night, but I woke up this morning still feeling groggy, still feeling sleepy. Sometimes, I need to take a day to just catch up on the sleep that I need. As a mom, living a single mom life as far as raising a son goes (I am not single, relationship wise. But I raise Jayden alone.), I get tired after long days of endless cleaning, cooking, bathing, laundry, homework and then trying to take care of myself on top of running errands for not only myself and Jayden, but also my father. I shouldn't say I get tired...I get exhausted.

The rain started yesterday afternoon. My dad, Jayden and I decided around 7 last night that we were going to go for icecream. We decided to drive out to Munnsville and see our pastor, Barb. Then we went to Mr. Sprinkles, which is out that way. While at Pastor Barb's home, we spent some time checking out her beautiful fish tank and all of the baby fish in there. There are so many pregnant fish in there too!......Pregnant fish...is that right? Is that what they're called? Or is there another word for fish that are about to have babies?

Anyways...after we were done looking at all of the beautiful fish, we walked out back because I wanted to see where my dog, Traveler was buried. Traveler was amazing. We got him when I was in first grade. He was a pure bred, chocolate lab. He was huge, and a big goof. I moved away the first week of June in 2005 to my own apartment, I came to my dad's house June 19 and played with Traveler outside. June 20, I came back again and something was different. My dad said Travey needed to go to the vet because he wasn't acting right at all. Traveler was pretty much unresponsive. He couldn't get up. Couldn't even look up at you, as he always did, when he'd hear your voice. I knew it wasn't good. I cried as I kissed him and hugged him and told him I loved him. I had a gut feeling he was going to be put down. He was. He was sick. Very sick. He was put down in Waterville at the vet, and after, my dad took him to Pastor Barb's and buried him in a beautiful location in their back yard. I had never gone, I thought it'd make me too sad. But last night, I wanted to see. Sure enough, it made me very sad, but I also saw how beautiful it was out there, and it was a beautiful spot for him to be.

Below, is a picture of my beautiful, Traveler...a.k.a "Travey."

Afterwards...the icecream was great. We came home around 8:30pm and immediately got ready for bed since Jayden had to go back to school today.

I suppose it's time to curl up with my book, "Love The One You're With," and see if I can finish it up today while Jayden is in school!

Furbabies...or humans?

2009-05-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

Scott is convinced that both of my cats were humans in past lives. Mario is what has him convinced. You see, Peach is a fairly normal cat. She has mostly cat-like behavior. However, when she eats, she prefers to scoop her food up in her paw and eat from her paw, not from the bowl. She uses her paws as spoons. Mario, on the other hand, sleeps on his back, arms up and legs spread wide open. He sits on his butt like a person, I'm talking, legs extended in front of him, sitting up-right.

I'm not quite sure what was going on when they were conceived, although I do know that their "daddy" is also their brother since their mom mated with one of her kittens. Nice, huh? That would explain all of the odd behaviors shown by Mario, Peach, and their two brothers that belong to my mother, Duncan and Dooley. Dooley has 4 legs and 5 feet. That's right, FOUR legs and FIVE feet. He has two feet on one of his back legs. *Sigh*...it sure does give them character.

Mario is quite the baby. He enjoys quality time with myself and with Jayden. He worries about Jayden if Jayden is crying, and he's never far from us. Peach has taken over a motherly role with Jayden. Always on him, always on me, always making sure things are ok. She has this tendancy to unfold any laundry that I fold and put into the laundry basket. She literally goes up to the basket, grabs the clothing by her teeth and slowly drags it until it's all spread out on the floor. She is so cute, but makes me have to work twice as often and twice as hard to get things done!

Happy Memorial Day!

2009-05-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

It's Memorial Day!! What an amazing day it is! I think that this is such an important day, to honor and appreciate those who have served our country and kept us safe. It is because of them that we're able to live freely here in the United States of America. I feel truly blessed to have such generous, selfless people that care so much about our country, that they put their life on the line every day for us.

After the War on Terror started, so many people have turned their backs on our country and it's such ashame that they have. I believe that they should be ashamed of themselves. It's not the people that are over in Afghanistan and Iraq that are complaining, it is those that sit at home on-line all day, that go out with their friends, that have their families at home that they see each and everyday that complain. Who are they to say what they say!? It's embarassing that we have such dishonorable people in our country. I do not like war, nobody does. But I do understand it. "They are over there to keep them from blowing our heads off over here." Think about it. Sure, many innocent lives are lost in wars, that isn't anything that anybody is happy about. But since we went there, we haven't had anymore terrorist attacks here, harming us or our children who can play freely in our yards without worrying about somebody throwing a grenade at them, or we can walk our streets without the fear of suicide bombers. That is something to be so thankful for.

There are two very, very important men in my life that are veterans. Both of which, served in the Korean War. They are my grandfathers. George Michael Hynes, aka "Mike" and Robert Leo Elmer, aka "Leo". I have learned so much about life through them, I have learned to be honest, loyal and genuine through those two men. I know to stand up for myself, my beliefs and be proud of myself and my accomplishments through them. I know to never be ashamed of who I am or what I have done, because it's ok and I'm a good person. My Grandpa Elmer is probably the best man I know. He is so giving and so caring. He would do anything for anybody. Just on Monday, he had his second knee replacement. He is doing well, although the first few days were difficult after surgery, he was very confused. My Grandpa Hynes was full of lessons. We knew not to cross him, not because he was mean or anything like that. He was just quiet. He said things with a deep meaning and purpose and those things have been forever embedded in my memory. "Never smoke." He said that to me, probably thousands of times and that's no exaggeration. He was a smoker for a long time, then he developed emphazema which contributed to his death on January 7, 2003. I learned that I was pregnant with Jayden just 5 days before on January 2. I never got a chance to tell him I was about to have a baby, but I know that he watches over us and is proud of us. He always told us that he wishes that we'd never have to work (meaning the girls in the family), if he could, he would take care of us all. That men should take care of us. And while, I don't believe that I shouldn't have to work throughout my life, I know that his meaning behind it was a well-intentioned, protective-male one. It always made me feel good that he thought so highly of us that he felt we should be on a pedestal, and he made us feel important. Jayden's middle name (he actually has two), are after Grandpa Hynes. Micah-Hynes. Micah, similar to Michael, yet different, also, my favorite book in the bible...and Hynes for the obvious reasons.

I have a tattoo on my upper right arm that has a big heart, pink in color, with a beautiful purple rose above it. There is a banner above the rose that says "GRANDPA," and inside the heart, two smaller banners, one reading, "HYNES," the other reading, "ELMER."

Today is a day that I think of both of my grandfathers, say prayers for them and give them a huge THANK YOU!! I also think of all of the other men and women that provide us, as a country, our freedoms and safety. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you...from the bottom of my heart!

_____________________________________________________________________

On another note, yesterday, while text messaging my childhood best friend, Jamie, we decided it was time that we got together. We had a falling out in 2004, but once Liam passed away, we got back into contact, not nearly as closely as we should have! But last night, we went to Tombstones for some drinks! It was a lot of fun catching up. I got to see her brother and her parents, who I see occasionally, but miss just as much as I've missed Jamie! We may be doing something on Friday together. That would be so much fun!

Look Who Is Back!

2009-05-22T09:47:00.001-07:00

That's right, folks! Look who is back in the blogging world! I am full of conversation but I have nobody to have a conversation with, so what better than to share my thoughts, no matter how weird, how random, how deep, or whatever they may be. Sometimes, I just need to sort out all of what is going on in my head.

Things here have been wonderful! I spent from April 30-May 5 in Texas with Scott and we had such a good time. We spent a lot of time just relaxing and enjoying eachother's company. Friday night (which was May 1), we met up with Scott's sister, Meredith, and her fiance, Eric, and we went to a fabulous mexican restaurant called Gloria's. I had chicken fajitas and 2 margaritas. It was incredible. Such great food! After dinner, we went to Lonestar Park where we watched the horse races and then saw Stoney LaRue play. Randomly, on the drive home, I decided I really wanted some french fries. Random, I know. But I got french fries and Scott got a sundae. The next day we laughed over the random act of it. Saturday, the weather went from great to horrible as the facility where the Dallas Cowboys practice in Valley Ranch collapsed during a storm. We spent most of that evening watching the news. Monday, the day before I had to fly back to New York, Scott and I went out to dinner with his grandmother. We had such a great time with her! She asked, "So, have you two realized that you're right for eachother?" And we answered, "YES!" Of course! We played with his pets, Missy (dog), Calico (cat) and Gray (cat) and spent a lot of time cuddling them. I am so thankful for that, at the time, it didn't seem like much, but I will forever cherish the bonding time with all of Scott's pets. You see, just last week on Tuesday, May 19, Scott's dog, Missy, died pretty suddenly. She was fine the night before, but they woke up to her very sick on Tuesday. Scott and his dad rushed her to the vet, where she died shortly after. I will miss seeing Missy. She was such a joy to be around! I am glad that I took pictures of her and did her hair while I cuddled with her on the couch! Rest in peace, Missy Lou.

After returning home, I realized my sick obsession with fabric softeners. Seriously. I love the smell. I only use them on certain things (I don't use them much on Jayden's clothes...only his big hoodies or sweatshirts and pajamas to give them that extra cozy feel), but I use them on everything of mine. I realized my problem when I started to dream about fabric softener. I'm not joking! I had a dream about the Snuggle liquid softener in a blue bottle. Weird, huh? I spent a total of about $38 on softener in one week, I haven't used it all, obviously (that would be a LOT of laundry!), but I couldn't pick between certain scents, so I just got them all. It seemed like a really good idea at the time. However, I did experience alittle buyer's remorse when I got home and I was unloading all of the bags onto the shelf over the washer. *Sigh*...someday, I will learn.

Jayden is doing wonderful! He will be finishing up kindergarten in just a few weeks! His kindergarten graduation is June 23 and his last day of school is June 24. I cannot wait to have the whole summer with him! I have been job hunting since I quit Yankee Candle, but I have been unable to find anything around here that could give me the hours that I need. So right now, my job hunt is off considering there is only a few weeks left of school and I do not have a babysitter for the summer. I refuse to leave my son with someone that I do not trust. Therefore, I am in a jam. I will just have to be careful with what money I do have, and make it last. That means no more fabric softener splurging. Ha! Once Jayden and I move to Texas, and he gets into a school there, I will begin my job search again! I will have better luck there, I'm sure.

Speaking of Texas...the move was going to take place in June...but it might be pushed back a bit for a few different reasons. Money is one. Another, is that Jayden wants to have his birthday party here with his kindergarten friends. His birthday is July 13. That would give Scott and I more time to figure out our finances. We aren't in a huge rush. We basically picked June when we decided Jayden and I would move there, just as a "get-to" point and work towards it. We don't have a problem re-evaluating our plan and making the proper adjustments so that we can go about this move the right way! We know the move will happen, it's just a matter of getting our "ducks in a row" so that it can all go smoothly.

We have been looking at apartments, and we think that we like the location of Seven Oaks. That may be the one. We haven't decided totally yet though.

I am going to try to get back in the swing of posting everyday occurances here. This was just my general update.
So keep checking back for more :)

Please keep my boy in your thoughts.

2008-09-23T11:31:00.001-07:00

My little guy is hating school.

He is having a really hard time adjusting to being away from Momma during the day.

It just breaks my heart!

As a mom, I want to just hold him and tell him, "Okay, you can stay with me all day, everyday for the rest of our lives, because I miss you when you're at school too!"

But we all know that as much as we want to do that, we can't.

I am SO thankful that Jayden's teacher is amazing.

Today, when I was having lunch with Jayden, he just had a total melt down.

I was talking with another woman that I've known since I was about 3 years old, and she works there at the school, and I was just thinking of taking Jayden home at that point.

He was so upset, and sobbing. I couldn't take it, I just wanted my boy.

But walking into the office to sign him out, we ran into Jayden's teacher, and I am so glad that we did. She worked her magic and motioned that I could head out, and she carried Jayden back to class, I went in to the office, and the woman in the office called down and after about 5 minutes, Jayden was doing so much better!

His teacher really is amazing.

I am so glad that he was given her this year, I think she's just what he (and I) need!

If you read this, please keep my "baby" in your thoughts and prayers though...

I pray everyday that he'll have some peace about school, and that he'll grow to love it.

His education is SO important, and I know he's still too young to understand just how important it is, but I really try to instill that in him, and I want him to love learning.

I hope that it gets better for him <3

events.

2008-09-02T16:49:00.001-07:00

My brother is in the hospital. Yesterday, we found out that he has Type 1 Diabetes. Please pray for him.

Jayden starts school the day after tomorrow.

I can't believe it!

His first full day is Friday.

On Thursday, I take him at 9:15am, and I get to spend the day with him.

My baby boy is growing up.

It is so bittersweet.

I love him so much.

He makes me so proud.

2008-08-13T22:58:00.000-07:00
whiskey won the battle but your memory won the war.

just waiting on the sunshine days.

2008-08-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

I really hope that somedays soon are filled with sunshine for me.

Not the sunshine you see and outside.

But I need something to lift this hurt off of me.

Something. Anything. Anything at all.

I am doing much worse than I realized.

And I have nowhere to turn.

I can't keep going through this.

I MISS MY SON.

water.

2008-08-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

water makes me gag.

Dear Time, Where did you go?

2008-08-05T13:35:00.001-07:00

Dear Time,
Where did you go? Wasn't it just yesterday that I learned the news of my pregnancy? I could have sworn it was just yesterday that I delivered my baby. Now, my "baby" is a baby no more. Time, where did you go? We went school shopping today. Wasn't this supposed to happen years down the road? No, it couldn't be coming this soon. It doesn't make sense! Didn't we just come home from the hospital? Didn't we just start sleeping through the night? And didn't he just say Momma for the first time!? What? What's that? I know, I know. He's five. Five whole years old. Exactly one more month until he goes to kindergarten. Where have you gone, Time? How did it come to be that my "baby" now sometimes seems to know more than me? How is it that my "baby" can speak in complete sentences, and have full conversations? How is my "baby" learning to read? How did it get to this point so fast? Don't get me wrong, Time, I am so proud of him, and so honored to experience his life, and his newest accomplishments, but how come it flashes before my eyes? That saying "time sure flies when you're having fun," is so true. Can't we slow it down? Why does it go so fast?! Just a suggestion.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Momma.

The time has come for my "baby" to go to kindergarten. One month to the day left of being home with Mommy...then he's on to his school years, that will take him 5 days a week for the next 13 years. I guess part of being a Momma is learning to let go? I know the time has come, but what if I'm not ready yet?

Terror in the house.

2008-07-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

My poor kittens have been terrorized.
By me. Not intentionally.
I noticed a couple fleas on them, UGH!
Luckily, I hadn't noticed them on anything else, and nobody has been bit.
But I wasn't about to wait around.
My mom said that she'd bring stuff on Friday...
In two days, fleas can multiply.
So today, I went and got the following (after talking with Jenni and calling the vet):

Hartz Flea and Tick killing Kitten Shampoo
Hartz Carpet/Fabric spray
Hartz Flea Control stuff (thats in the little tubes and you apply them to the back of the kittens necks)

So...that said...we get home, and I get ready. I knew it'd probably be interesting, to say the least, but I got myself mentally prepared (HAHA!) and Went on in. They freaked.

I then decided to get the water warm in the sink. I wrapped Mario in a towel first and gave him a sponge bath. Easier, but he still didn't really like it. But he seemed better with that than the tub. Plus, that way, I got to hold him and talk to him and keep him close to me. He's a sensitive little guy, he needs Momma. haha.

Peach did better with the sink. She just kinda laid there and gave me dirty looks (Yes, I think that they can give you the look of death).

After their bath, I went through the downstairs (the cats don't go upstairs), and sprayed everything that they use. Then once they came out from hiding, I put the tubes of stuff on their necks, and now, they're cuddled up together, relaxing after their long day.

They're starting to regain some trust in me...slowly, but surely. Mario came up and licked my face. I think that he could tell that I was feeling horrible. I have such a soft spot for babies and kittens. Probably not good since I'm a mother and a cat owner :) I'm in for it!

Anyways, the packaging on everything and everything I see online says that it'll be a process, and to repeat in a week. That there will still be some because they're really hard to kill completely, but it'll knock them out, and if I continue, then they'll be gone or close-to-gone. So here's to hoping.

Soul Searching.

2008-07-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

I need to re-charge and do some soul searching.
I need to get back in touch with me, as a woman.
I am so used to the me as a mom...which is the greatest part of me that there is.
But I need to remember the other parts of me.
The part of me that loves to laugh with her girlfriends.
The part of me that loves to dance.
The part of me that loves to read.
Yes, those are all things that I can do as "Mommy."
I don't want to be that irresponsible mom that you see out clubbing.
I am not that kind of girl anyways.
I don't enjoy the club scene.
I just don't want to forget who I am when I am caught up in the days chores.

I don't want to forget who I am in relationships...

And I really don't want to forget what I deserve.

Whether it be in my romantic relationship with Scott,

or in my friendships.

I want to get back to that place where I stood my ground

and felt confident in my choices...

Right now, I'm not feeling that way.

Instead, I'm feeling bullied into being how everybody else wants.

That's not me.

I am really wanting to find a way to turn my grief into something productive.

Something that will help not only myself, but others.

Anything to help.

I want to get back to my basics...the basics of myself.

The very little things that make me happiest, and I want to just go with it.

I'm going to just go with it.

Meet Mario

2008-07-14T08:55:00.000-07:00

Meet Mario. Born April 15, 2008, obviously, as he was in the same litter as Peach. Mario is such a little sweetheart. He is incredibly calm, unlike Peach, but they're loving having eachother. I was worried yesterday that maybe they wouldn't get along, since its been a few weeks since they were last together. They fought last night, nothing bad, no "screeching" or anything, just some hissing and meowing, and tackling eachother. I observed and at first, I thought it was just Peach going after him, but then she'd back off and Mario would go looking for her. That's when I realized: If they were hurting eachother, they wouldn't keep going back to find the other. They cuddled on and off throughout the night along with their tackling. But today, I noticed that they're really just playing, they love playing and rolling around on the floor together. Peach thinks she's his mom, and she's totally taken over that role. Always having to be on him, cleaning him, keeping him "in line." I read up on-line some about it, and read that there's a hierarchy of power in a litter of

kittens. And that if you seperate them, and/or introduce a new cat into the picture after anytime of being an only pet, then there's that initial period of time where it's showing the other whose "boss." That it's very normal, and that unless there's actual screeching, then they're fine and just sizing eachother up and feeling eachother out and determining those roles between the two of them. But this picture to the right, as I'm sure you can see, their sibling bond has overcome the need for power :)

Peach, Mario, and their other two brothers, Duncan and Dooley, all go for their shots on August 4. That will be interesting.

Happy Birthday To My Boy!

2008-07-13T15:46:00.000-07:00

My Jayden Micah is 5 today.
Happy birthday, Hambone.
Mommy loves you more than words can even begin to express.
My heart is full of joy and pride everytime I look at your gorgeous face!
No matter how big you get, you will always be my baby.

Jayden had a pretty big day today.
We went to my moms, and then got a kitten that she had.
"Mordecai" was a loner when it came to him and his two other brothers.
He came home today with us, and he's been renamed "Mario."

Welcome home Mario! We love you!

Don't forget the lyrics

2008-07-11T16:09:00.000-07:00

Listen to your heart song
Just don't forget the lyrics
Life is often hard and tough
But you can get through it

Somedays you'll laugh
Somedays you'll cry
Somedays you'll ask questions
But you'll never know why

It's ok, just keep going on
But always listen to your heart song
And don't forget the lyrics

My big boy.

2008-07-10T11:41:00.000-07:00

Time really does fly. In just three days...THREE DAYS...72 hours...Jayden will be five. Five whole years old. Is it possible? Is it possible that my baby, that came into this world weighing 4 lbs. 12 oz, is going to be FIVE? No, that can't be possible. Can it? It is.

I look at my son, and I'm just overwhelmed.

He is so strong.

Much stronger than most his age.

He's so caring, and on a completely different level. Most 5 year olds haven't gone through what Jayden has. Jayden's done great.

I am so proud.

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,

And each road leads you where you want to go,

And if you're faced with the choice, and you have to choose,

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything...more than anything,

My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

And you never need to carry more than you can hold.

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,

All the ones who love you in the place you left,

I hope you always forgive and you never regret,

And you help somebody every chance you get,

Oh, you find God's grace in every mistake,

And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything...more than anything,

My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold.

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this is my wish.

This is my wish.

I hope you know somebody loves you...

May all your dreams stay big...

Jayden Micah-Hynes

July 13, 2003

1:46pm

4 lbs. 12 oz. 18.75in.

sunbathing.

2008-07-10T07:51:00.000-07:00

Peach is sunbathing in the window. When it's sunny, she goes over, and stretches out completely, back legs all the way out behind her, front legs all the way out in front of her. and she rests her head against her arms. She lays there for awhile, and then she rolls over onto her back. Same deal, front arms all the way up, back legs all the way down. Woops, kitty rolled and fell off the window sill.

Peach goes for her shots on August 4 at 10.15am.

Her brothers, who belong to my mom, go at the samea time, same day.

Ducan, Dooley and Mordecai.

Did I mention that my mom got Mordy from the lady?

Once I took Peach, the lady randomly dropped him off to my mom and said she could have him.

Ooook, right?!

But, my mom being as kick ass as she is, gladly took him.

He's a worried little guy, black and white, medium hair.

She named him Mordecai.

Duncan and Dooley are the grey and black tiger striped kittens.

Both short hair.

Dooley has huge feet.

SIDS Prisoner.

2008-07-05T16:40:00.000-07:00

I am a prisoner. A prisoner to SIDS.
I realize it even more as time goes on.
I can't help it at all and it drives me crazy.
I find myself overly paranoid about it.
In stores, if I see a sleeping baby in a stroller, cart or carseat, I can't help but kind of watch to make sure it's breathing.
I'm the "rise and fall" "watchdog."
It drives me crazy.
I am in a group on MSN for young moms, and every single day, before I sign on, I find my heart racing, because I'm terrified of getting on and reading that somebody lost a baby. It's a reality that can strike any infant of any gender (boys are more likely though), any race, at any time. That's scary.
Although I haven't met any of those babies personally, it scares me, because I care about them and their families. Their mommas and I have become close over the years. It worries me. I'm always scared to go on there for the fear that somebody else there will have a horrific tragedy like I did on May 17.
It's not fair.

I wanted so badly to hold a baby earlier...but I couldn't do it. The baby was asleep, and I was just scared. I didn't want to do it. I apologize to her mother (a relative of mine) and she said she totally understood.

I hope that someday, this won't hold me prisoner anymore.

ow.

2008-06-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

My wisdom teeth cause so many problems.

I have no insurance, so I can't do anything about them either.

For years, they've started coming in, then stop. Then try again, then stop.

The one on the bottom left is under a molar, and it pushes and it causes a lot of pressure on the rest of the teeth on the bottom.

It's so painful.

I had to go to CVS earlier to get some meds.

I just grabbed Tylenol Extra Strength...500mg each.

It says to take 2. So 1000mg. haha.

It does take the edge off after awhile but it still hurts really bad :(

this is the sweet life...

2008-06-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

Is she lucky or what!? I wish I could sleep like that!

Party Time!

2008-06-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

Today was my cousin Jessica's graduation party.

It's hard to believe that my cousin, who was always my "little cousin," and who always seemed so much younger than me, is officially out of highschool, almost 18 years old, and really becoming quite the adult.

I know that I haven't ever told her this, just because over the years, our schedules don't allow us to see eachother all that often, or talk all that often, even though we live right across from eachother...but I am so proud of her. She's done great academically, and she's been in a serious relationship with her boyfriend, Andy for about 2 years now. She's a great person, sister to her brother, Tyler, daughter to my aunt and uncle, and a friend.

So, with that being said,

CONGRATS Jessica!

I wish you lots of luck and love in the new chapter of your life!

So yes, today was the party.
It was really nice to see everyone.

The food was FABULOUS, and seeing Cheryl VanSlyke, who is my childhood best friend Jamie's mom, trying to figure out the chocolate fountain with my aunt Sue reminded me so much of back when Jamie and I would try to cook. It was really funny. Seeing Cheryl reminds me of all the good times I've had with that family.

Malorie and I hung out most of the time!

Eating strawberries dipped in chocolate (mmm!)

And just hanging out talking :)

Afterwards, she came over and played Wii for awhile.

I wish she didn't have to go back to Rochester tomorrow.

Tonight, I had to go get groceries. UGH!
I normally love getting groceries, but tonight was different.

I'm broke, and my dad was cranky with me.

I had to go by myself and kind of guess, and when I got home, I could tell that something was wrong. Ugh. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

This week will be filled with a whole lot of nothing.

But I'll be sure to update with pics of Peach and Jayden.

My son and daughter.

2008-06-21T18:46:00.001-07:00

Momma and furbaby girl.

My (almost 5 year old) "baby" boy and his "sister"

Jayden's 5th birthday is coming up.
July 13. 3 weeks from TOMORROW! 21 days! Oh my gosh!
Where does the time go?

Jayden wants the following Wii Games:
-Super Mario Galaxy
-Super Smash Bros. Brawl
-Dr. Mario Online Rx
-Donkey Kong: Barrel Blast
-Wacky Races: Crash&Dash
-Toki Tori
-We Ski
-Boom Blox
-Opoona
-Iron Man
-Kung Fu Panda
-Super Swing Golf
-Super Swing Golf Season 2
-Jenga
-Alvin and The Chipmunks
-Petz Catz2
-Petz Dogz 2
-Rayman Raving Rabbids
-Cars
-Mario&Sonic at the Olympic Games
-Balloon Pop
-EA Playground
-The Legend of Spyro: The Eternal Night
-Ninjabread Man
-Carnival Games
-Boogie
-Mario Strikers Charged
-Mario Party8
-Super Paper Mario
-WarioWare: Smooth Moves
-Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz
-Happy Feet
-Wall.E

Is that crazy or what? My boy goes online DAILY to check out ALL the Wii games on Nintendo.com and see if theres any he missed...and within the past couple days, they posted more on there. So yeah, the list is growing daily :) I hope my guy isn't too heartbroken on his birthday when not all of those are sitting here wrapped and waiting for him haha!!

Ahhh, he's growing up...it's so bittersweet.

family.

2008-06-21T12:46:00.001-07:00

My cousin Malorie is up in NY again! I am so glad, that gives me something to look forward to today. She'll be coming over in alittle while :)

Jayden is happy because he'll get to play Mario Kart with her on the Wii, and get to show off his "sister" (LOL!), Peach. He's doing great today :)

Peach is doing great. She slept downstairs last night by herself, I was so worried about her. I came down to check on her a few times and she did absolutely fine. I know that I'll sleep better tonight knowing that she can do it without being sad, or without getting hurt.

I'm enjoying life as Momma/Housekeeper (lol)/Cat owner. I've missed having a nice, loving pet. They really are little spiritual healers. They say that cats can see spirits, and I don't know if that's the case, but Peach acts like she sees so much around me, her little heads just like *zing! zing! zing!* all around me and she meows while she looks around me. It's neat :) Either way, whether she's seeing spirits or just being a weirdo, she gives Jayden and I a good laugh.

She also enjoys licking my tattoo of Liam (the portrait)...its cute, I need to try to get a picture the next time she does it!

furbaby love

2008-06-20T06:48:00.000-07:00

FIRST NIGHT AT HOME WITH PEACH: Success!

Our first night at home with our furbaby went very well. Jayden ended up falling asleep on the couch, which I was actually really glad about, because I really wanted Peach to sleep down here for two reasons. 1. Her litter box is down here, and being a kitten, and her first night here, I wanted to make sure that she could get to it. 2. My room is so cluttered right now, there's more up there that she could get stuck in or hurt herself on up there being this small, so I'd rather keep her down here, in the more "wide open" space, so that we have a clear shot at her more often than not. So yes, we slept down here. I got very little sleep just because I was paranoid of something happening to her. I think that I rigged things up pretty nicely to block her from any major hazards, like spaces that I definitely couldn't get her out of myself unless she could get herself out on her own without getting hurt. Around 5am, I got up and she was right at the top of my head. Then around 7:30 I woke up to my dad cuddling with her before he had to go to work. I eventually moved myself and Jayden down onto the floor when Peach kept getting on the couch with us, I was really worried she'd get in between us (it was tight headquarters anyways haha), and with the slightest movement, I didn't want Jayden or I to roll on her or hurt her. So I made a (really comfortable) bed on the floor, and Jayden and I passed right out. Peach slept on the couch for a bit, and then she made her way down and slept at my feet...then on my back...then up near my head...then back on the couch. She slept pretty much everywhere last night. It was cute. I haven't quite decided what to do tonight. Do I leave her downstairs alone? Do I sleep down here with her another night? Any advice would be helpful.

So, Peach has opened up quite a bit since coming home.

She is so funny to watch, she's got that typical kitten personality.

She's so full of energy for a little while, but then she tires out quick.

She sleeps a few hours and re-charges that fiesty little battery, then it's play time again!

I can tell she's missing her Momma and her siblings.

Just a couple days ago, she was with her mommy and her siblings,

Then the day before yesterday, she was at my moms with her brothers.

And yesterday, she was coming home with me.

I know that it's normal for kittens to cry and miss their families since this is all new.

It just breaks my heart for her.

Jayden says, "We will be best friends because she will miss her brother just like I miss my brother"

Talk about deep.

Today, I need to wake Dusty up, or try to anyways, to come down and watch Jayden and Peach so I can go get some milk, then a coffee (or two).

Who doesn't lack self-control?

2008-06-19T14:49:00.001-07:00

Well, I will start off saying this...IT WASN'T MY FAULT!! And IT WASN'T MY IDEA!

Daizie...who I named in my previous post as a cat that my mom got yesterday, has been re-named Peach, and is now living with me. Haha!

I don't know how it happened, but it did. I told my mom that I couldn't get a cat a couple times, and then in the end, I ended up with her.

She's so loved!!

When we move to Texas, we will either bring her with us, or she will go to my mom's.

It's nice to know that no matter what, we've got a beautiful cat that will always be a part of our lives. Peach was born April 15, so shes 9 1/2 weeks old.

So here is Peach, previously known as Daizie.

trusting hearts.

2008-06-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

It is incredible.
It is incredible to have someone in your life that you trust 100%, that you know without a doubt, will not hurt you.

After what feels like an eternity of relationships with dishonest people, not even just romantically, but also in friendships, and family relationships, it feels so good to know that the one I am with, the one I will spend my life with, is for real. A good, honest, hard working man that loves not only me, but my sons as well.

It still amazes me how when I look into Scott's eyes, there's no doubts there. I've never once had that before. To know that he has given me his heart, and that he holds mine..and it's SAFE..is a great, great thing.
Jayden had me thinking, and it got me so excited. Jayden asked, "Mom, will it be this Christmas coming up or next Christmas that we get to have with Scott?" That lead me to thinking about how holidays are big for me. I know that they are for most people. It made me think about how this is my last Christmas in New York, and I'm not sad! I would be any other time, but to go to Texas is for us...Not for me, not for Scott, not for Jayden, it's for us. All three of us. As a family. In 2009, we will have our first Halloween out trick or treating with Jayden. We will have our first Thanksgiving, digging into all that food together. And our first Christmas, putting up the tree, decorating the apartment, making Christmas cookies...Scott and I get to be "Santa"...and we get to watch Jayden wake up Christmas morning together. The next 13 months will fly by, and then we'll be together permanently. No more having to plan plane trips to be in eachothers arms again. It's been fun taking trips, and planning and the anticipation that leads up to each visit, life is good...and we've made it SO far, much farther than many do in our situation, and life will be even better come next year.

Scott tells me, "we're concrete." And we are. It's wonderful.

In the past, it's always been "well, if we're together in a couple years, then I'd like to do this." With Scott, it's "In a couple years, we will do this."

AHH! It's so nice :) "Mine wuvs him."

On a different note...
My mom got her 3 kittens today.
I introduce to you...

Duncan, Dooley and Daizie.

Duncan and Dooley are on the top...and Daizie is on the bottom.

Plans.

2008-06-16T19:03:00.000-07:00

Scott and I have had some very serious talks lately.
We had decided on getting Jayden and I moved down there around July/August of next year.
We gotta buckle down and get what needs to be done, done.
We want to be together.
We love eachother.

Jayden turns 5 in less than a month...
Ok, really...where does the time go?
Wasn't he born not that long ago?
Wasn't the nurse just coming back to me to let me know that he was 4 lbs. 12 oz,
and big for a 32 weeker!?
Little man is growing up, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it.
Jayden thinks that I'm a super hero... (But little does he know, he truly is one of my heroes)
Of all my powers, I can't seem to shrink him down.
What the heck is that all about!?
My little man is growing up.
And with that said, it's time for my little superhero to go to bed.

And for YOU, my little angel...

Goodnight, and Sweet Dreams, my little Lambchop,

Mommy loves and misses you.

Sending kisses to Heaven...

With Hope

2008-06-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

This is not at all how

We thought it was supposed to be

We had so many plans for you

We had so many dreams

And now you've gone away

And left us with the memories of your smile

And nothing we can say

And nothing we can do

Can take away the pain

The pain of losing you

But we can cry with hope

We can say goodbye with hope

'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no

And we can grieve with hope

There's a place by God's grace

There's a place where we'll see your face again

We'll see your face again

And never have I known

Anything so hard to understand

And never have I questioned more

The wisdom of God's plan

But through the cloud of tears

I see the Father's smile and say well done

And I imagine you

Where you wanted most to be

Seeing all your dreams come true

'Cause now you're home

And now you're free

And we have this hope as an anchor

'Cause we believe that everything

God promised us is true...

So, we wait with hope

And we ache with hope

We hold on with hope

We let go with hope

Two months is too little

They let him go

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence

Would take a child from his mother while she prays

Is apalling...

Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares

We're asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it means to be loved

And to know that the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it means to be loved

And to know that the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait for one hour

Watching for our Savior

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it means to be loved

And to know that the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

Crying. But feeling 'held.'

So lucky to be my boys momma.

oh and ps!!

2008-05-06T10:10:00.001-07:00

I don't know how to add anyone to my friends, so if you tried adding me, tell me how to accept you, if I even have to do that! Hahahaha!! I don't know how to work this :)

sometimes the pain is just too much.

2008-05-06T09:59:00.001-07:00

I don't really know how to handle my emotions.

I'm really trying, but I don't even know that there is a way to handle them anymore.

Sometimes, it just hurts too much.

The anxiety and depression that comes along with the death of a baby is tremendous.

There's no words to even explain the way it feels inside.

It's just not a good feeling.

I don't really know how to go about living sometimes.

I just know that I have to.

I lean on God, because He is the only one that hasn't let me down.

I am so thankful for my relationship with Him.

"Life never asks you what you want, it's just going to have it's way, and sometimes it doesn't give like it takes." Yes...thats from a Jessica Simpson song, but it's perfect.

It doesn't feel fair...but what does feel fair is that I got to be Liam's mom.

Having him is worth all of this. Nobody else had the privledge of being his mom.

I am forever thankful.

But the pain is still there, and it's still cutting deep each and everyday.

Distractions only work for so long.

But then you're laying awake in bed, glancing at pictures of the baby that you once held in your arms, and now have to hold in your heart as a memory, and you're reminded of that day that you woke up and realized something was wrong.

You remember that pit in your stomach when you first notice that things aren't right.

There's no way to describe it.

I just remember waking up, and noticing something coming from Liam's nose, and then when he wouldn't move, wouldn't respond to anything, I can remember that initial "OH NO" thought...and sometimes, I can hear myself screaming, "LIAM! LIAM HONEY WAKE UP! LIAM! LIAM!" then screaming for help...banging on the wall (my neighbor at the time was a nurse, but left a couple hours before for a trip)...and I can remember trying so hard to put a breath into him and start cpr while dialing 911. Those are things that I will never forget, even though I wish I could.

Those aren't the memories I want.

I want the memories of my happy, peaceful baby boy, and only those...

Not the memories of sitting in the hospital, holding my lifeless son in my arms, and being questioned by investigators. Not the memories of having to sign papers consenting to an autopsy, not having to sit there and read and sign investigation reports.

I understand why they do investigations.

And luckily, my investigators were incredible and nice, and made me feel comfortable.

But it still hurt...

I was sitting there hurting, and in shock...and theres 2 grown men that have to go through every detail, and try to disect your every emotion and action and try to determine if you're a monster.

I still hear from the investigators, they pray for me, and they send me cards.

They were SO great. I am thankful that they were assigned that morning...

They weren't the type to point fingers, or try to make you into something that you arent.

They just simply needed to know what happened, and a play by play of the day/night before.

I don't like those memories though.

No mommy should have to have memories of "investigators" or the hopsital in any other way than the birth of her baby...but that's my reality. Those memories are a reality. And it sucks.

But yet, I find myself lucky...how is that possible?

Because of God.

Through God, all things are possible.

Without Him, a mom couldn't live through the death of a child.

It's unnatrual...the pain is so deep, that if it wasn't for Him, and Him showing you the good in the bad, no mom would be alive that has gone through something that traumatic.

Now that I've probably confused anyone that actually took the time to read this...

I suppose it's time for me to go...

Reese's Pleeeeease.

2008-05-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

Jayden is absolutely the sweetest little guy ever.

I woke up to him sitting over me, putting a peanut butter cup to my lips.

He said, "I think you're hungry mom, it's about time for breakfast and I can't touch anything in the kitchen so I got you this."

He makes my heart melt.

frustration at it's finest.

2008-05-01T11:48:00.000-07:00

The price of gas is killing me.
It just flat out sucks.

Jayden and I went to Target today.

I was out of my eyeliner, and I was

seriously bummed out that Target

only had the black/brown color.

I enjoy my 100% black eyeliner.

But I bought the black/brown.

Two weeks from today, I'll be flying into Dallas.

I'm looking forward to it.

I'll be there for Liam's first angelversary, so I hope that my trip helps me through it.

I am going to miss Jayden so much.

I don't really know how to function being out of "mom-mode"

it actually scares me.

This is the life, hold on tight.

That time of year...again...

New Dog!

Georgia

No.7

Crunchy?

Internal Turmoil.

I wish I was a baby...

urghhh (dot, dot, dot)

wow!

End of the school year!

Graduation...

what a great time we had!

rough night

Grandpa...

Voyager!

again!?

Olympic Day!

*fingers crossed*

...more than angels watching over me...

TGIF!

delicious.

Where did my baby go!?

whiskey lullaby.

relaxation? not quite!

ill.

*sniff* *sniff*

well, that's kind of the way I'm feeling...

Sad Day, Sad Day.

June!

I love reading.

greatness!

Rain, Rain, (Don't) Go Away...

Furbabies...or humans?

Happy Memorial Day!

Look Who Is Back!

Please keep my boy in your thoughts.

events.

2008-08-13T22:58:00.000-07:00 whiskey won the battle but your memory won the war.

just waiting on the sunshine days.

water.

Dear Time, Where did you go?

Terror in the house.

Soul Searching.

Meet Mario

Happy Birthday To My Boy!

Don't forget the lyrics

My big boy.

sunbathing.

SIDS Prisoner.

ow.

this is the sweet life...

Party Time!

My son and daughter.

family.

furbaby love

Who doesn't lack self-control?

trusting hearts.

Plans.

With Hope

oh and ps!!

sometimes the pain is just too much.

Reese's Pleeeeease.

frustration at it's finest.

fingers crossed

sniff sniff

2008-08-13T22:58:00.000-07:00
whiskey won the battle but your memory won the war.