Tuesday, May 6, 2008

sometimes the pain is just too much.

I don't really know how to handle my emotions.
I'm really trying, but I don't even know that there is a way to handle them anymore.
Sometimes, it just hurts too much.
The anxiety and depression that comes along with the death of a baby is tremendous.
There's no words to even explain the way it feels inside.
It's just not a good feeling.
I don't really know how to go about living sometimes.
I just know that I have to.
I lean on God, because He is the only one that hasn't let me down.
I am so thankful for my relationship with Him.
"Life never asks you what you want, it's just going to have it's way, and sometimes it doesn't give like it takes." Yes...thats from a Jessica Simpson song, but it's perfect.
It doesn't feel fair...but what does feel fair is that I got to be Liam's mom.
Having him is worth all of this. Nobody else had the privledge of being his mom.
I am forever thankful.
But the pain is still there, and it's still cutting deep each and everyday.
Distractions only work for so long.
But then you're laying awake in bed, glancing at pictures of the baby that you once held in your arms, and now have to hold in your heart as a memory, and you're reminded of that day that you woke up and realized something was wrong.
You remember that pit in your stomach when you first notice that things aren't right.
There's no way to describe it.
I just remember waking up, and noticing something coming from Liam's nose, and then when he wouldn't move, wouldn't respond to anything, I can remember that initial "OH NO" thought...and sometimes, I can hear myself screaming, "LIAM! LIAM HONEY WAKE UP! LIAM! LIAM!" then screaming for help...banging on the wall (my neighbor at the time was a nurse, but left a couple hours before for a trip)...and I can remember trying so hard to put a breath into him and start cpr while dialing 911. Those are things that I will never forget, even though I wish I could.
Those aren't the memories I want.
I want the memories of my happy, peaceful baby boy, and only those...
Not the memories of sitting in the hospital, holding my lifeless son in my arms, and being questioned by investigators. Not the memories of having to sign papers consenting to an autopsy, not having to sit there and read and sign investigation reports.
I understand why they do investigations.
And luckily, my investigators were incredible and nice, and made me feel comfortable.
But it still hurt...
I was sitting there hurting, and in shock...and theres 2 grown men that have to go through every detail, and try to disect your every emotion and action and try to determine if you're a monster.
I still hear from the investigators, they pray for me, and they send me cards.
They were SO great. I am thankful that they were assigned that morning...
They weren't the type to point fingers, or try to make you into something that you arent.
They just simply needed to know what happened, and a play by play of the day/night before.
I don't like those memories though.
No mommy should have to have memories of "investigators" or the hopsital in any other way than the birth of her baby...but that's my reality. Those memories are a reality. And it sucks.
But yet, I find myself lucky...how is that possible?
Because of God.
Through God, all things are possible.
Without Him, a mom couldn't live through the death of a child.
It's unnatrual...the pain is so deep, that if it wasn't for Him, and Him showing you the good in the bad, no mom would be alive that has gone through something that traumatic.
Now that I've probably confused anyone that actually took the time to read this...
I suppose it's time for me to go...

1 comment:

Jenna, James, Lili, & Alex said...

That has me all teary eyed <3