SIDS Prisoner.

I am a prisoner. A prisoner to SIDS.
I realize it even more as time goes on.
I can't help it at all and it drives me crazy.
I find myself overly paranoid about it.
In stores, if I see a sleeping baby in a stroller, cart or carseat, I can't help but kind of watch to make sure it's breathing.
I'm the "rise and fall" "watchdog."
It drives me crazy.
I am in a group on MSN for young moms, and every single day, before I sign on, I find my heart racing, because I'm terrified of getting on and reading that somebody lost a baby. It's a reality that can strike any infant of any gender (boys are more likely though), any race, at any time. That's scary.
Although I haven't met any of those babies personally, it scares me, because I care about them and their families. Their mommas and I have become close over the years. It worries me. I'm always scared to go on there for the fear that somebody else there will have a horrific tragedy like I did on May 17.
It's not fair.

I wanted so badly to hold a baby earlier...but I couldn't do it. The baby was asleep, and I was just scared. I didn't want to do it. I apologize to her mother (a relative of mine) and she said she totally understood.

I hope that someday, this won't hold me prisoner anymore.