June!

June 1st, already!? Where does the time go? This is the month that I am supossed to be moving to Texas, however, I will not be. Before anybody freaks out, let me explain. Jayden and I are still moving to Texas! We are still going to be with Scott! Some unexpected things came up in both my life and Scott's life (nothing between us--it's all unrelated to our relationship--we are doing AMAZING!), and right now, my grandfather is in the hospital as we speak, his grandmother is seriously ill, and I have to get Jayden through the rest of this school year, and his birthday, which he desperately wants to have in New York with all of his kindergarten friends. In August, I want to start a tutoring class, where I can brush up on my skills and that program is only available here. We basically picked June as a "get-to" goal, if all was in place by this month, we were going to do it, but we basically picked June as a time to re-evaluate our financial situations, see how far we've come and when we can realistically make the move! We are SO excited! I will keep everybody in the loop! We want to make it as smooth as possible, not just for us, but most importantly, for Jayden.

My grandfather had his knee replacement two weeks ago today, however, the healing isn't going like it should. His surgical wound has been leaking, bleeding, etc...He's been in a lot of pain, and it broke my heart to see him that way yesterday when I was at my grandparents home to visit. He was supossed to go tomorrow for another surgery, to open it up, clean it out, add a drain, and then re-stitch (or staple) the wound up. But today, he unexpectedly had to go back in, and they were going to try to get to the surgery today. I worry about him. As much as I cannot wait to spend my life with my future husband in Texas and "our" son (we refer to Jayden as OURS...Scott loves him as he was his own), I do not mind hanging out in New York awhile longer and spending more time with my grandparents. I could very well get to Texas and then get that phone call that Grandpa...or Grandma...is no longer with us, and that would hurt so badly to know that I could have been spending more time with them. I will take the time this summer, during my wait, to be with them, make more memories with them (I am so thankful to have SO many memories with all of my grandparents, including my two that are already in Heaven...Grandpa Hynes and Grandma Hynes). I need to get some nice pictures of Jayden and I with Grandma and Grandpa Elmer.

Speaking of grandparents, yesterday was my Grandpa Hynes' birthday. He died in 2003, and yesterday, I really, really missed him. I miss him a lot, very often. But sometimes, it's as if I can feel him, yesterday was one of those days. It was one of those days where I felt like I needed him. I needed his words of encouragement and guidance. I needed to feel his company. I believe that I did. In my utmost moments of sadness yesterday, I felt what felt like a very warm blanket being wrapped around me. It made me burst into tears, as it reminded me very much of what I felt the day that Liam passed away. I don't know if it was God, or Grandpa, or both, but either way, I knew that there is a God, that He does hear, and that He helps me through, whether by sending my grandpa to me, or wrapping me in His own arms. When Liam passed away, as I held my lifeless infant in my arms, through tears, I sobbed, "Thank you God for letting me have him...Thank you for my time with him." And instantly, I felt the pressure and warmth of someone wrapping their arms around me. I will never forget that. In the worst moment of my life, the worst that will top any other bad thing that can happen, I had Him with me, He knew my hurt, He knew how hard that was (and still is) for me. And I had Him with me. I had that happen again yesterday too. It makes me so thankful, yet so emotional. I hope that Grandpa enjoyed his Heavenly birthday yesterday, with his great grandson in his arms. I KNOW that Grandpa is enjoying Liam, and enjoying having him. My grandpa was a total baby-person. He LOVED babies...he loved everything about them. He used to tell us babies are blessings, babies are miracles, babies are gifts from God. I have always believed that, and I know it to be true. I know he's just so thrilled to be with Liam! And I'm thrilled to know that Liam is in good hands, not only of our Father...but of our Grandpa.

Anyways...Jayden graduates from kindergarten this month! June 23, I cannot believe his first year of school is coming to an end! I started crying yesterday and saying, "but he only has 12 more years left of school!" I know, I know, 12 years SEEMS like a long time, but us mothers know, 12 years is not that long. Not when the baby you feel like you just gave birth to yesterday is now 5 years old...ALMOST 6 years old. So with him being almost 6 and how fast that's felt...there's only two more 6 years until he's done with school! What the heck!? I'm not ready for that! That means in about 12 years, it'll be time for him to go to college...he'll be DRIVING...that can't happen. I can't let it happen! I can never let him go! Ha! It's how I feel right now though. I don't want him out of my sight. I know though, that I am raising an incredible "little person," who will develop into an incredible man (dang...my little boy will be a MAN someday!), who will have his love for his family, his love for God, and the confidence and faith to get through this world. And I'll be there for him every step of the way, in good times and bad...that's what us Momma's do. We are always there...always.

Now on to less emotional topics...Paranormal State. I miss that show. The season finale was on 2 weeks ago...two weeks ago tonight, actually. My Monday nights are now sad, uneventful, boring. Paranormal State gave me something to look forward to! I just recently got back into the swing of things, for a long time, I didn't watch much tv, I just kind of went through the motions of my days, got wrapped up in daily chores and didn't take much time for ME. In the past few weeks, I've been trying to get back to the basics of me as my own individual person. A huge part of me is MOMMY. But I also love taking some time for myself while Jayden is in school during the day, whether it's taking a walk, watching a movie, reading a book, or just taking the time to take a nap and catch up on some sleep. I've enjoyed establishing old friendships and new friendships, getting myself out there to enjoy a different type of relationship with the world. I hardly ever do those things, I usually see the world just through the eyes of a Mom...but even when Jayden isn't physically out and about with me, I still find myself slipping into the "mom-mode"...for example, going out irks me in some ways because I see how irresponsible people are, how ridiculous people are and how petty people are. I see how a lot of people waste their lives away with alcohol and that many times, it's not just an every once in awhile event with them. There are some people that I know that drink daily, it's just what they do. They don't even go out with their friends or family and have a few, a lot of them drink alone, go out and drink for the purpose of getting DRUNK, and that just isn't me. I enjoy the social aspect of going out from time to time. Getting together and talking, catching up and having a couple drinks, getting a bite to eat, etc...

That being said, I so wish that we had more events with people my age, but also with my interests around here...maybe a book club? Something low key, something that I can learn something during, sip on coffee, engage in some friendly conversation, and relate to other mom's. I have just been getting so into these novels that they make me crave good girlfriends. Friends that I call and meet up for coffee and discuss everyday things with. I miss that! I am getting that back with Jamie though, and that's great! I've missed her! We grew up together, it'll be nice to have a close girlfriend again.

I want to meet other moms too, though.


Everyday, I fight the urge to get another cat. There are so many "free cats" around that I just feel so bad for, that I want to give a good home to. But I already have two, and they say that with cats, two is company, three is a crowd. Two cats both live and function happily, it's not always the case when you add more, cats sometimes pick their buddies and one may be left out. I don't want to do that to another animal. I don't want it to feel left out. Plus, I already have to move two cats to Texas...I can't afford to move more. *Sigh*...cats are just too cute though.

Enough is enough. No more rambling! Ta-ta for now!